Robert J. A. Gilbert  

If I have no breath in Heaven, let these bitter words now be said.

For someday, I know, I’ll stand before the judgment of the dead.

And many will say, “Lord, Lord, did we not do great things on Earth for You?”

Yet I will stand in silence as He answers, “You are Who?”

Then, when it is my turn to stand before the mighty throne,

I will not speak, as to a friend, but as a wretched soul, alone.

“Lord, all my life I sought You,” I will say, “Did You seek me?

I tried to walk your path, follow your teachings, and be free.

And all along the way I found men hungry, naked, cold.

I dared to try to clothe them, feed them, keep them in Your fold.

Yet here you stand, saying to all, how those in want were You.

My life, you flash before me, damned for what I didn’t do.

Rewind the tape, Lord, if you will to where I found You in need.

See how I tried to comfort you, but had no strength to succeed?

See how I cried out myself for help, for God above to show the way?

Yet no help came, and so, alone, I failed every day.

See, now, Oh Lord, how often this has happened in my life?

Where I, trying to do Your will, have waded into strife.

But all I have to show are wounds I gained along the way.

There was no victory for me in You, just a heavy price to pay.

For Lord, my trust is shattered—in You, in God, in faith.

I listened for Your Spirit but You sent the Lying Wraith.

How many of Your servants has it led to fail and die?

How many of us asked but never heard the answer why?

Did You not come dwell with Abram here on Earth from time to time?

Though he never saw Your promise kept, he knew You were divine.

But what do I have, Lord, to show for all my years of strife,

As I stand before You looking back at my short and fruitless life?

How can I know Your will, Lord, if You never showed it to me?

How can I know Justice, Love, Honor, Truth, or mercy,

If You never stepped low to show it to me before my death?

Then, Lord, it is You whom I condemn with my final, gasping breath.”

If I have no breath in Heaven, let these bitter words be spoken

Would that I knew He hears them and knows how much I am broken.

Lord, am I not the Bride of Christ? You asked and I said yes.

I’m already committed, should I not also be blessed?

I feel as though our plans to wed have brought the enemy,

While you, so legalistic, still insist that You are free?

And while I take the blows and arrows of Satan for this ring,

You sow your oats, not yet my Groom, like I don’t yet mean a thing.

When does Your vow take place, Lord, when do You set down and stay?

Marriage used to start the moment both agreed in the old day.

Now here you are, insisting, that the priest has not yet spoken.

You’ve planned the feast, invited guests, yet no promises are broken.

Am I not Your bride, Lord, not some snarling, female whelp?

Dear Husband, I don’t mean to nag, but I really need your help.

If I have no breath in Heaven, when you tally up my debt,

May my words now be my defense tho my destiny is set.

For how could I hope to know the truth in a world so ruled by lies

Where You, now crowned its king, have always ruled it in disguise?

I followed You. I served You. I thought your teachings wise.

Yet where did your path lead me? Failure. Foolishness. Demise.

The world thought me a mad man; how could they be disproved.

When every act to show You to them left me looking like the rube.

I spoke the words you asked me to, did deeds as You demanded.

The world resisted, fought me hard, my actions reprimanded.

My health was robbed while I was young, yet onward I strode in your name.

None saw my endurance as inspiration, only saw and mocked my shame.

I prospered from Your wisdom, Lord. I tried to share it with the lost.

They took the wealth they wanted, but your wisdom—that they tossed.

And in my hour of need, as I was robbed of all I’d earned,

You never came to my defense. You left me doubting what I’d learned.

Now here before the throne I stand with nothing for myself to say.

My life a debt you now demand; I’ve nothing left that I can pay.

And yet, there is another debt. A debt built up from doubt.

For though you shine in all your glory, I still haven’t figured out

Why in all the years I sought you, tried to have you in my life

By the end, I still don’t know you. All I’ve known is doubt and strife.

And I can’t help but speak for these other souls–all the ones you’ve thrown to the flame.

Did you hide from them like you hid from me? Are you truly the one to blame?

Were we all to watch our lives unfold again—the darkness, the despair—

Inevitably, the moment each of us cried out to you…did you ever show you cared?

Not with laws. Not with religions. Not with Sunday Morning rites.

But a real, close up relationship with those deep in the fight.

If I have no breath in Heaven, this You must first understand.

If You throw any of us to the flames, then You, also, are damned.

I used to be GAY…

But then those who did not understand changed its meaning.

I used to be CHRISTIAN…

But then those who did not understand changed its meaning.

I used to love ART and the THEATER and the FREEDOM OF SPEECH…

But then those who did not understand changed their meanings.

I used to love my MISTRESS…

But then those who did not understand changed its meaning.

I used to be MARRIED…

But then, just last week, those who did not understand changed its meaning.

How much longer can FREEDOM last…

If those who do not understand have the power to change its meaning?

He who fears the Vampyre Hunter

Sees naught in the mirror's pane.

He who opposes the cross and the clove

Hungers for blood in the living vein.

Many petition in favor of night

Though few remain at dawn.

Those who join them in banning the light...

Will miss it when it is gone.

(Sung to the (over-used) tune of Canon in D.)

I remember the magic

Interspersed with the tragic

When I wore my heart on my sleeve.

In the days when I believed.

Now I’m left with an empty feeling

From a wound that has long been healing.

Once again it’s

Torn end to end by a

Sentimental Christmas song.

Take me back to when days were good.

I would go if I only could re-

Turn to my mother,

Bring another,

Memory I can’t get back to.

See the children in blanket sleepers

Christmas Eve as they close their peepers.

Warm in bed it runs through my head a

Sentimental Christmas song.

Take me away to where sleigh bells jingle

Snow in the air making my heart tingle.

Sing we merry, in a very

Sentimental Christmas song.

Take me away to when life was better

Cozy and warm like a Christmas sweater.

Safe and happy, in a sappy

Sentimental Christmas song.

Lying bare in a world gone cold.

Feeling hollow, alone and old.

What have I become, what have I done?

Running from the meaning.

Doubt and sorrow are all I see now

Not the packages beneath my tree now.

Feeling numb

Singing a humbug

Sentimental Christmas song.

Take me away to where sleigh bells jingle

Snow in the air making my heart tingle.

Sing we merry, in a very

Sentimental Christmas song.

Sing me a song full of love and caring

Teaching the lesson of hope and sharing

Unrealistic, socialistic,

Sentimental Christmas song.

Like the tree after Christmas day

All the splendor is stripped away.

Oh my world was, so fantastic

Then it all went Ecclesiastic.

At the end of my joyful living

Did I gain from my senseless giving?

All that’s left behind in my mind is a

Sentimental Christmas song.

Take me away to where sleigh bells jingle

Snow in the air making my heart tingle.

Sing we merry, in a very

Sentimental Christmas song.

Sing, bring the joy, keep the presents selling

Never the story of Christmas telling.

All we need is, to believe in a

Sentimental Christmas song.

In Eden God once put a tree

Bearing knowledge of how things “should be”.

Not of Evil and Good,

Nor a literal food

But of man knowing better than He.

Now Eve bought the lies of the Snake.

The forbidden fruit she did partake.

She said “I know the plan,

Better than the I AM.

I am certain that He’s made a mistake.

“Adam, you should be wearing some pants. (she said)

And you should not work hard like the ants.

And in birth and in rain

I should never feel pain.

Now I must hide from God in the plants.”

Then God came to Adam and his wife.

Said He, “Why have you brought on this strife?

Though I yearn for you still

You’ve rejected my will

And you’ll wrestle with me all your life.”

“Now Adam,” I AM said, “As for you,

I can tell that you ate the fruit too.

Now you must build a house

And provide for your spouse.

For I speak not in ‘should be’ but ‘do’.”

When that Serpent practiced to deceive,

His lies changed the perceptions of Eve.

After taking a bite,

How it poisoned her sight.

Her rebellion to this day we grieve.

Satan’s promise, when pondered, seems odd.

He said man could grow equal to God?

Only when we agree

To be lesser than He

Can we see that our own path is flawed.

Now in every man there grows a tree

Bearing knowledge of how things ‘should be’.

When we argue the plan

Given by the I AM

We reveal our fallen ancestry.